It’s been a long time since I have been able to write anything. I am now in my second month of ‘Oh my god, my health isn’t entirely stuffed’, and wow. I can tell you one thing about being extremely impaired for over a year, it certainly teaches you to prioritise. Is that balance? I don’t know really. I hope so.
But when you spend a long time being unable to leave the house or even walk to the bottom of the driveway without supervision, you learn to prioritise what needs to be done pretty fast. (And no, I’m not talking Covid and lockdowns here. Even though boy have they changed things!)
I am not sure I can impart any wisdom, or anything about the experience. And it is not at all finished, as I have long term chronic illnesses that are never going away. But hopefully this won’t be entirely awful to read, and may help you on your own journey towards balance in your own life.
It is hard to live through dark times. When the world narrows. If all you see are the horrors outside. Feeling trapped. When the only place you can go is . . . your home.
It’s . . . Blursday?
I am in Blursday of week I-have-no-idea of the Melbourne lock down. The days have blended one into the other. The weather is just something I see outside my window. Everything is via zoom or phone. A package arriving is both exciting, and scary. Our kitchen floor is covered in bags of not-clean-yet stuff – mostly groceries. Our cupboards are separated into we-got-it-off-the-floor and it’s-been-sterilized. The world has narrowed. And then narrowed again.
Grand Plans. They never end well. I have them all here in my planning journal. What I do each week to keep on top of things. This week we were hit with a mould demon, and I realised that sometimes, I just can’t do all the things.
There was a time, many years ago, that I didn’t understand what hitting a wall felt like. I had a full deck of cards, and all the energy in the world. Of course, this was before kids. And before my body decided to hit me for six. Again, and again.
When trying to figure out what my kids can do for their homeschooling, it can be very easy for me to get carried away – grand plans, high expectations and all that, and when the unexpected happens, like a sudden illness, it can feel like everything is falling apart. Finding both the energy to keep going as well as the inspiration to keep planning when I’m house-bound has been a challenge, but there are things I have learned about how to manage and still make homeschooling a wonderful experience for everyone.
Some days I feel like I can do it all. And some days I can’t. This is one of these days. We’re now embarking on our third straight week of illness without a break, and our sixth week of ‘let’s catch something this week’. Though I know it’s the season for catching things – Melbourne spring weather loves to put on a good show and the constant radical changes in weather aren’t exactly great for us just recovering folks.
But it’s at times like this that all the ‘should haves’ back up – alas it is rare that they go quiet just because our schedule has been (metaphorically, but I’m contemplating literally) chucked out the window. Continue reading “Anxiety: Battling The Impossible”